the cold jokes club

Changes to Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service

2012-01-26T14:43:00.001+08:00

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Dear Google user, We're getting rid of over 60 different privacy policies across Google and replacing them with one that's a lot shorter and easier to read. Our new policy covers multiple products and features, reflecting our desire to create one beautifully simple and intuitive experience across Google. We believe this stuff matters, so please take a few minutes to read our updated Privacy Policy and Terms of Service at http://www.google.com/policies. These changes will take effect on March 1, 2012.
One policy, one Google experience

Easy to work across Google Our new policy reflects a single product experience that does what you need, when you want it to. Whether reading an email that reminds you to schedule a family get-together or finding a favorite video that you want to share, we want to ensure you can move across Gmail, Calendar, Search, YouTube, or whatever your life calls for with ease.	Tailored for you If you're signed into Google, we can do things like suggest search queries – or tailor your search results – based on the interests you've expressed in Google+, Gmail, and YouTube. We'll better understand which version of Pink or Jaguar you're searching for and get you those results faster.	Easy to share and collaborate When you post or create a document online, you often want others to see and contribute. By remembering the contact information of the people you want to share with, we make it easy for you to share in any Google product or service with minimal clicks and errors.

Protecting your privacy hasn't changed Our goal is to provide you with as much transparency and choice as possible, through products like Google Dashboard and Ads Preferences Manager, alongside other tools. Our privacy principles remain unchanged. And we'll never sell your personal information or share it without your permission (other than rare circumstances like valid legal requests).	Understand how Google uses your data If you want to learn more about your data on Google and across the web, including tips and advice for staying safe online, check out http://www.google.com/goodtoknow	Got questions? We got answers. Visit our FAQ at http://www.google.com/policies/faq to read more about the changes. (We figured our users might have a question or twenty-two.)

Notice of Change March 1, 2012 is when the new Privacy Policy and Terms will come into effect. If you choose to keep using Google once the change occurs, you will be doing so under the new Privacy Policy and Terms of Service. Please do not reply to this email. Mail sent to this address cannot be answered. Also, never enter your Google Account password after following a link in an email or chat to an untrusted site. Instead, go directly to the site, such as mail.google.com or www.google.com/accounts. Google will never email you to ask for your password or other sensitive information.

Bread does not have Feelings

2008-06-23T09:09:00.001+08:00

What's the difference between a char siew bao & bread?

- shan

They have different Feelings...

2008-06-23T09:09:00.000+08:00

What's the diff between a char siew bao & red bean paste bao?

- shan

nacho cheese

2008-06-10T12:04:00.000+08:00

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?

- ken

Bittergourd (ku gua)

2008-05-30T14:15:00.001+08:00

Which vegetable do frogs love the most?

- ken

Because then they'd be seabums (Sebum)

2008-05-28T12:06:00.001+08:00

Why can beach bums, who are always out at sea, be oily?

- ken

sigh-ness

2008-03-26T23:23:00.002+08:00

Jack woke up one morning, felt his nose was irritated and let out a lamenting breath. What medical condition does Jack have?

because... hua mei zhi ke

2008-03-18T11:26:00.001+08:00

Why is drawing your eyebrows as good as drinking water?

- ken

Otters

2008-02-28T08:45:00.001+08:00

Which animal writes books?

- ken

Sick sheep sink ships shifting by shit bricks so sick sheep shan't ship for shit

2008-02-27T09:28:00.001+08:00

How much shit could a sick sheep ship if a sick sheep could ship shit?

- ken

pikachu (pik-Achooo)

2008-02-11T21:29:00.000+08:00

Which cartoon character catches a cold easily?

- ken

medicated oil, a la Axe Brand (feng1 you2, wind oil)

2008-01-31T10:26:00.001+08:00

What oil is the lightest?

- ken

Knock-knock jokes (no home = no door = can't knock!)

2008-01-30T11:21:00.001+08:00

What kind of jokes do homeless people not understand?

- (derived from some stand-up comedian)

She issues summons to all the cars on displayed.

2008-01-29T15:06:00.000+08:00

A carpark saman auntie went to the Kah Motor showroom to buy a car. What was the first thing she did?

- ken

bi hu (house lizard)

2008-01-25T16:31:00.000+08:00

Which “hu” (from “lao hu”/tiger) doesn’t eat people? (in Chinese)

- wz

Swearing AT the Parliament

2008-01-08T09:11:00.000+08:00

What did the Ah-Beng minister do when he was NOT voted into the parliament?

-ken

Swearing in at the Parliament

2008-01-08T09:10:00.000+08:00

What did the Ah-Beng minister do when he was voted into the parliament?

-ken

"da zhang fu": because "da zhang fu, gan zuo gan dang (kantang)"

2008-01-08T09:06:00.000+08:00

What kind of person dares to do potatoes?

-wz

The Dragon Slaying Sabre: because "Too Long" Dao...

2007-11-05T15:41:00.000+08:00

Which “dao” (sword/blade/sabre) is the longest?

Clue: related to Jin Yong martial art stories.

- wz

Bread: because BreadTalk...

2007-11-05T15:40:00.001+08:00

Coffee and Bread. Which of the two talks more? And why?

- wz

Coffee: because kopi tiam...

2007-11-05T15:39:00.000+08:00

Coffee and Bread. Which of the two talks less? And why?

- wz

How do you drive this thing?

2007-10-23T00:18:00.001+08:00

There were 2 fish in a tank.

What did one fish say to the other?

(ken, saw this somewhere in facebook...)

xiao hong: she saw the red light and thought it's her turn to cross.

2007-10-08T10:44:00.001+08:00

xiao hong and xiao qing are waiting to cross a traffic light. who gets hit by a car?

(ken... yes it's lame i know...)

ta yao dang bing le

2007-10-08T09:05:00.000+08:00

Xiao Ming zai ta shi qi sui na yi nian, ba zi ji guan jin bing xiang de leng dong ge li. Wei shen me?

In the year when he turned 17, Xiao Ming shuts himself up in the freezer compartment. Why?

(ken overheard in a restaurant)

gong gong (grandfather)

2007-10-02T17:20:00.001+08:00

shen me “gong” zuo le bu lei, tang xia lai geng shu fu, you ke yi xian zhe, chi dong xi, dong zuo man yi dian ye bu hui bei ma?

ken

Ginseng: ren sheng di bu shou

2007-10-02T17:18:00.001+08:00

Which Chinese herb will get lost very easily?

(cat)

bao qing tian

2007-09-28T17:32:00.001+08:00

What “bao” is black in colour?

- ken

Zha zha came to help: because zhi zhi bu li

2007-09-25T16:48:00.001+08:00

3 friends were playing: zhi zhi, zhu zhu and zha zha.

Zhu zhu fell down and hurt himself. Which of his friends will come to his aid?

tcjc (ken)

热

2007-09-25T13:58:00.001+08:00

四粒摇头丸

Guess a Chinese word character.

tcjc (from radio)

40 million: gua tai feng, mei si qian wan bie chu men.

2007-09-25T13:52:00.002+08:00

How much should one bring along when going out during a typhoon storm?

tcjc (courtesy of xiao zhong on wo cai)

The fifth child, Wu Lang: "wu lang boh?" (in hokkien dialect: anybody there?)

2007-09-25T13:52:00.001+08:00

Mr Tan has 5 sons, Yi Lang, Er Lang, San Lang, Si Lang, and Wu Lang.

Which one of his children are called upon most frequently by people?

tcjc (wz)

wine: because... jiu yang da ming

2007-09-20T11:54:00.000+08:00

Xiao Ming and Da Ming are brothers. Xiao Ming grew up on drinking milk.

What beverage did Da Ming grow up on?

tcjc (rachel)

ming bu xu chuan

2007-09-20T11:51:00.001+08:00

ah ming is filthy rich. he has everything he needs.

what is the one thing he doesn't need?

tcjc (ken)

TV: xing chuan mei dian shi (MediaCorp in chinese)

2007-09-19T13:36:00.001+08:00

Xiao Ming bought a new ship.. There's everything on the ship: Food, Hi-Fi System etc..

Yet so, this new ship does not have one item. What is it?

tcjc (cat)

the Flash

2007-09-18T18:14:00.001+08:00

All the old-timer Marvel comic superheroes have retired and passed their duties on to the younger generation.

Which one of them decided to go into the IT industry involved in web development?

tcjc (ken)

Ultraman: 'cos he is Xian Dan "Chao Ren"

2007-09-18T11:25:00.001+08:00

Batman and Ultraman went to take an exam together. Who cheated?

tcjc (cat)

'cos the exam was in English whilst he is Japanese

2007-09-18T11:24:00.001+08:00

Why does Ultraman need to cheat in the exams?

tcjc (cat)

this knee

2007-09-13T12:18:00.001+08:00

Which part of the body does Mickey Mouse come from?

tcjc (irene)

ma tong

2007-09-11T12:06:00.001+08:00

na yi zhong “ma” zui chou?

tcjc (ken)

An FM Tuna

2007-09-06T15:15:00.000+08:00

What fish listens to Class 95?

tcjc (ken)

fa1 feng1

2007-09-03T16:49:00.000+08:00

shen3 me4 feng1 hui4 rang4 ni3 bing4 dao3?

tcjc (ken)

he kept hitting on everyone there

2007-08-31T11:29:00.001+08:00

Why was Mr baseball bat not welcome at MoS?

tcjc (ken)

ProcrastiNation

2007-08-30T16:55:00.001+08:00

What is the largest nation in the whole wide world?

(adapted from a comic strip)

tcjc (ken)

because they can't build a BlueTooth (IR = InfraRed...)

2007-06-19T10:22:00.001+08:00

Why did the Singapore decided to build the IR?
tcjc (ken)

31 OCT = 25 DEC

2007-06-07T10:56:00.001+08:00

Why do geeks confused Christmas with Halloween?

tcjc (ken)

He believed in good ol' Honest Tea

2007-05-23T23:22:00.000+08:00

It was the high school reunion for a bunch of beverages. Orange juice, apple juice and mango juice were reminiscing about old times at one corner of the party when suddenly they spotted Greenspot dashing out of the washroom, screaming out loud. She'd found Pepsi dead in the toilet!

Coca-cola was devastated that his wife was taken away from him. Being a close friend of Coca-cola, Sarsi the sergeant stepped in at this moment to help investigate. After some questioning and gathering of witnesses and evidence, Sarsi arrived at 2 possible suspects that might have killed Pepsi.

Both Coffee and Tea were brought in for questioning. Each claimed his innocence and the police were stumped. But finally, the truth came to light as Sarsi realised one thing. Coffee was found out to be the killer and he admitted guiltily to his crime. What did Sarsi realised that cracked the case?

tcjc (ken, inspired from shan) xD

The giraffe. Because he's still in the refrigerator!

2007-05-17T09:42:00.001+08:00

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Open the fridge door,
Then put the elephant in.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Open the fridge door,
Take the elephant out,
Then put the giraffe in.

The King of the Jungle, the lion, called for a meeting. All the animals in the jungle attended, only one did not. Which was it?

tcjc (ken)

si hai jie xiong di

2007-05-02T12:51:00.001+08:00

Hai waits for his ride at the airport from his bros, hai1, hai2, hai3 & hai4. Guess a phrase.

tcjc (ken)

"Don't leave them lying around. We don't want to attract them nasty ants..."

2007-04-29T11:49:00.000+08:00

What did one girl ant say to another after they bought a bottle of perfume each?

tcjc (ken)

丰胸画集 (逢凶化吉)

2007-04-29T11:39:00.000+08:00

Paintings of breast enhancements: guess a Chinese idiom.

tcjc (ken)

五七妈黑 (乌七抹黑)

2007-04-24T14:14:00.000+08:00

阿美的爸爸有七个老婆. 其中, 第五和第七个老婆是从非洲来的. 猜一句成语.

tcjc (joey)

It didn't, it waved. OR it said "海" (hi)

2007-04-23T10:24:00.000+08:00

What did the ocean say to the shore?

tcjc (yigeren)

她的双脚: "有个女孩脚(叫)甜甜..."

2007-04-23T10:22:00.000+08:00

刚去世的新闻人物 "小甜甜" 身上, 哪一部分最甜?

tcjc (wz)

What hands? They don't have any...

2007-04-20T14:35:00.000+08:00

When Hello Kitty and Doraemon met, why did they not shake hands?

tcjc (ken)

He didn't hear Hello Kitty; Doraemon has no ears!

2007-04-20T14:32:00.000+08:00

As Hello Kitty was driving in her car, she saw Doraemon on the pavement. When she honked her horn at him, why did she not respond?

tcjc (ken)

Because Hello Kitty doesn't have a mouth.

2007-04-20T14:30:00.009+08:00

Doraemon saw Hello Kitty driving past in her car. But when he called out to her, why did she not reply?

tcjc (ken)

12: 2nd of Jan, 2nd of Feb, 2nd of Mar...

2007-04-20T14:20:00.001+08:00

How many seconds are there in a year?

tcjc (ken)

128: "the the, the the the the the..."

2007-04-20T14:20:00.000+08:00

How many THE’s are there in the song “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer”?

tcjc (ken)

spiderman = 是白的man

2007-04-20T11:52:00.001+08:00

What colour is Spiderman under his superhero suit?

tcjc (ken)

pig (you, if you asked why is it a pig)

2007-04-18T12:07:00.001+08:00

which animal likes to ask "why" all the time?
tcjc (ken)

Because he wears size S

2007-04-17T14:56:00.001+08:00

The superhero suit that Superman puts on is always very tight. Why is that?

tcjc (ken)

Michael Jackson: "...oh bi lei? bi lei?..."

2007-04-17T14:21:00.001+08:00

Which international celebrity is always looking for his writing instrument?

- The Cold Jokes Club

自告粪(奋)勇

2007-04-17T14:14:00.001+08:00

A Chinese idiom depicting one to have declared to everybody else that he has
diarrhoea.

tcjc (ken)

Red: "...ang ang ang..."

2007-04-17T11:47:00.000+08:00

What is Doraemon's favourite colour?

伸出圆(援)手 (shen1 chu1 yuan2 shou3)

2007-04-17T11:18:00.000+08:00

Getting help from Doraemon: guess a Chinese idiom.